Sample Descriptive Answer #2

I've provided another descriptive essay to heighten your comprehension of writing an illustrative essay.

You have struggled for some time to acquire a skill. Describe what you are doing at the moment of success, and your thoughts and feelings at this time. [25]

The smoke alarm beeped frantically, like a police siren chasing after a runaway robber, except my smoke alarm was alerting me to stop my cooking. Pots and pans were stacked in teetering tower, filled with murky, stagnant water, chunks and pieces of food floating on top, the burns ugly scars on their surface. The pristine granite countertops were spattered with splotches of lumpy discolored batter, dusted over with flour and sugar, and heaped with apple scraps and blueberry mush. My mind was as jumbled as Rubik's cube.

Hitting the smoke alarm with the end of a half-broken broom, I took a heavy sigh and thumped onto the floor. The recipe was a tattoo on my mind, unremovable - if only that tattoo could come to life! I pulled at my hair, finding bits of hard, black dough in the process - eugh. Staring at the flawless picture made my blood boil, my ears fume, my heart thump in anger. I summoned the willpower of a fawn breaking free from the jaws of a hyena, and set to work.

Slamming the recipe book shut, I placed a hastily washed bowl smack on counter, sprinkling in snowy white sugar, pouring in wedges of citrous, browning apples, and squeezing a bright yellow lemon in my fist, catching the seeds in the filters that were my hands. The concoction boiled, stewing like boiling lava, whilst I took out my anger on the crust’s batter, pounding it into a soft, mellow lump, like playdoh. The cacophony of the rambunctious radio, clattering saucepans, humming oven, and sizzling sounds blended into a melody that made the time fly by.

Now, to wait. I sat in front of the oven like an impatient dog, the bone resting in front of me but unattainable. I bit my lip until blood began to ooze out, tapped my foot until my ankle screamed in pain. I took a deep breath - mmm? Was it my sweet and sour, crusty pie, filling the room with its warm confection-air? Or had I begun to hallucinate from all the work, the odor coming from the depths of my mind? Opening the oven dramatically, like pulling the curtain slowly at the theater, I unveiled my dish.

Looking anxiously inside, I saw that the crust was a flawless golden brown, its homemade pattern clean-cut. As I poked my fork carefully through the crust, it crackled with such delight that a chill went down my spine. I blew softly on the oozing piece of pie, shifting the steam away, and let my mouth experience... a wonder! I couldn't possibly have baked this - perhaps some cooking fairies flew into the oven and fixed it up, like the shoemaker and his elves, and everything was fixed while it was baking. My brain was whizzing away, unable to fathom this miraculous success, and I could see the pie slowly disappearing from the dish, and feel my belly becoming hefty and content. A smile rested on my messy, syrupy mouth as I leaned back against my chair with a sigh.

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This is just another example I wanted to provide. It would be helpful to sift through the passage and find anything that fits unnaturally - it's nice to learn from other's mistakes.

Here are a few tips to help along the way:

• Find some short snippets or styles of writing that can be useful at anytime. For instance, I like to ask two questions, "I took a deep breath - mmm? Was it my sweet and sour, crusty pie, filling the room with its warm confection-air? Or had I begun to hallucinate from all the work, the odor coming from the depths of my mind?," and use it often in my essays. I know that it's a good way to fit in a substantial amount of details, and I can focus on one sense without dragging on too long. I can provide contrasting details because it seems like I'm trying to figure something out - which is another plus. It adds the hint of confusion and curiosity to the "thoughts and feelings." Try to find others from my previous answers to see any similarities or patterns - feel free to use them, but also try to come up with them.
• Feel free to use the thesaurus - I have found it to be a great aid. It's difficult to find the word that you're looking for immediately, and the thesaurus helps find it quickly. However, beware - don't use it too often, and don't pick too complicated words and start pouring them all over the essay. Try to remember the ones that were used, and pick out favorites, ones that really stick.
• For "thoughts and feelings," I've found it helpful to kind of sprinkle it around the essay instead of simply have a description, then statement about thoughts, description, then statement... etc, to make it seem more natural. Add more thoughts when something surprising happens, less when the focus is on the description itself.
• While writing it is important to identify blunders - for example, I have a tendency to be repetitive (thus monotonous), and I try to avoid that by coming up with the concise word, often with the help of thesaurus.
• Practice writing essays! All this can only happen once essay writing is practiced. 

Please feel free to contact me at TheEnglishLanguageForIGCSE@gmail.com - I'll be happy to provide feedback on descriptive drafts.